Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
