I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
