he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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