I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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