we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
