Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
