He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
