Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
