Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
