she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
