you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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