Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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