There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
