Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
