she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
