Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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