I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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