I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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