please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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