I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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