in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
