If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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