I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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