I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
