In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
