woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
