4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
