There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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