Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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