i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
