Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
