omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
