While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
