hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
