Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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