So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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