i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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