All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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