I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
