wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Acid is not a monday night drug
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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