a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
