oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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