I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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