I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
