I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
