Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
