I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
