Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She told me I should be a condom model.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
