When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
