the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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