Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
