Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
