why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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