If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
